Journalist attacked with water balloons for writing about children’s reading habits

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Dholakpur: A freelance journalist, Nirdosh Pirzada was recently attacked by children for writing a controversial article about how kids should be encouraged to read. The five accused go to the same preschool in Dholakpur. The attackers used water balloons which were prepared in advance and threw a barrage of them at the hapless journalist when he was coming out of his car, parked outside his residence.

The intensity of one of the water balloons was fierce and caused Pirzada to lose balance, as a result of which he fell and suffered a scrape on his knee. The attackers made sure to finish the prepared balloons on the man and ended the violence with a spray of cold water, on his chest, delivered through a water gun.

They fled from the spot soon after their mothers called them back home to finish their homework and milk. Pirzada is currently admitted to an expensive city hospital where he is undergoing treatment to cure his scrapes and post-traumatic headache. Doctors have said he will need intensive care and will be charged five times of what the treatment actually should.

Meanwhile, the children have been taken into custody for questioning and investigation by the Dholakpur police. One of them, Titoo aged 6, said, “He has no right to tell us children that we should read, look at our ministers and leaders, they don’t read. I want to be like them when I grow up.” An emotional Titoo started crying after this and was consoled after he was allowed to play with his favourite action figure, which he proudly called Namoo. The other children weren’t available for comments since they were occupied in a ceremony organised by their school, applauding them for their deed. The school has also named five squads in their honour.

Pirzada, a journalist since one year was enraged and is planning on taking the matter to court. “I won’t let these kids go free. Their minds have been poisoned because they drink cow’s milk, I am telling you buffalo milk is A1.”

Pirzada fainted after his Facebook live session.

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“Selfie camera is the most important feature of a mobile phone”, say teenagers

Research has shown that the latest among the new age diseases is human beings obsession with themselves. Humans these days can be seen posing absurdly in front of their mobile phones and using their mouths to form what is being called a “duck face.”

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One of the many examples of the now trending, “duck face”.

Simultaneously, two alternative hypotheses have emerged to explain this behaviour: either some humans have an undeniable obsession with ducks or they just love looking at themselves because they don’t believe in the concept of mirrors.

Research is ongoing to know the root cause of this. Boyd Lutham, who is heading one of the research clusters became a part of this effort when he heard his child’s first meaningful sentence, which was, “Imma take a selfie.” Mr Lutham added, “I am shocked, scared and I really want to solve this problem. 95% of young adults spend 60% of their day going through their own photos or photographs of people they don’t really care about. The world needs more sensible people at the moment.”

Majority of such humans can be seen in shopping malls, usually in groups. A marauding teenager who was roaming in one of the city malls, “just ’cause”, said, “I want to belong, I want to be kewl, and I want to just be liberated. Taking a selfie gives me the freedom to express myself the way I want. It’s almost poetic.”

Genius inventors have built their businesses around it, such as the creators of Snapchat. An app which provides people with a platform to post multiple pictures of their faces with unrealistic filters and editing effects. With this, more teengaers are getting empowered. Josh, another one of the selfie enthusiasts, said that he identifies himself as a honey bee. When asked the reason he said that he looks really good in that particular Snapchat filter and would like to live the rest of his life as a bee. He shouted, “I was always a bee in a human beings body.” His parents are confused but they will support his decision because “everyone has the right the live the way we want.” Josh added, “I am going to start a movement where in humans who identify themselves as bees will come together to demand people’s respect and a space in society.”

Some advertisements and feature improvements in phones are based on human beings tendency to behave this way. It is not yet known if these developments are the cause or the effect of such human behaviour.

Case in point are the two advertisements by phone companies, Oppo and Vivo where an invention that is being called a “selfie camera” is being promoted by famous people who earn a lot of money.

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Crazy lady who bought this phone because it has the best selfie camera in the world. “The only feature I care about”, she said.

 

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‘I am passionate about trying out different filters that new age apps are coming up with,” – Delusional Bollywood guy.

 

Mostly, humans are seen taking multiple pictures of them because it increases the probability of a good photograph. The current tradition calls for the best of these pictures to be laced with filters and other effects that validate the people that they are truly beautiful. Sceptics, however, have argued that these people simply need to “get a life.”

Rest of the research results are yet to come in. Till then, we can try to build a useful conversation in this direction so that humanity does not lose it’s purpose.

 

 

The murdered raccoon

How to Solve a Murder the CID way

Last night, a racoon was found brutally murdered in his Sunset Boulevard Mansion in San Francisco. The racoon, Shaun Shaunesy, a rich heir of his mother’s G.I Joe business was last seen by 100 people in his house since a party was going on in his mansion on the night of the murder. Shaun was known for his affluent lifestyle and good taste in antiques because he could afford it. Apart from this, Shaun was a peaceful resident and was planning to marry Lily, a heiress from East London.

The San Francisco Police department officials, who reached the scene after a month were unable to find the body. Only some blood stains that tasted like tomato juice and feathers that probably came out of Shaun’s favourite goose feather pillows, were found. Shaun was also a part-time goose, and the feathers found on the crime scene were suspected to be his. All the other people who attended the party were not present at the crime scene since they thought one month was too long a time for them to wait for the investigations to begin.

The police have declared that murder is a surity, however, they are not sure who committed the crime since they have no skills to find out.

They have put down the names of a few suspects, but inspector Gregory George wrote these names on his hand. After eating food, he washed his hands and he figured that the ink was not permanent. Gregory wasn’t available for quite some time after this incident, but when he was, he said, “I didn’t realise the ink was not water proof. I was hoping to keep the names on my hand as a tattoo, forever.” Considering this as a failure for not knowing basic concepts of inspection, Gregory quit and he pursued a career in developing permanent ink. According to him the world needed more permanent ink.

Investigations are likely to go on until the case has been forgotten. Stay tuned.

 

Click this for more information

In latest news, researchers have found out that procrastination is the root cause of satisfaction. Procrastination entails a false sense of satisfaction that ultimately leads to death by dissatisfaction and about 50% humans are affected by this disease. The researchers involved were Mr Bob I’ll do it tomorrow & Mr Bill I will make a to-do list. Both are graduates from the University of Home Schooling.

They took a sample of 50 people who wanted to change the field they were currently working in. One of the subjects from the sample, Ms Bloomsword said, “I want to be a writer someday and I have been working towards that for the last 90 years.” Miss Bloomsword died shortly after this very unnecessary question-answer round. This interview made her realise how the only words she had ever written were, “I will write the most words someday”,  in her journal. This further made her think about how delusional she had been all her life and collapsed owing to a cardiac arrest. Every member of the sample study expressed grief over Ms Bloomword’s sudden demise and said that they will pay their condolences to her family tomorrow.

All the sample subjects wanted to do something different with their lives but had been unable to do so because they were too satisfied for knowing anything else. Blinded by satisfaction, they thought they were doing enough with their lives. Some also thought that thinking about doing something the next day, makes them happy in the moment. They were ardent  supporters of the quote, “Live life a moment at a time.” The thought was so deeply ingrained in them, that they figured they were passionate about living.

This created an even deeper delusion in their heads, about how they were the greatest, for just breathing. Hence they romanticised every moment of their lives. Mr Tucker said that the favourite moment from his entire day was being able to take in the air and then release carbon dioxide. He jumped at the thought of this and died because he inhaled too much oxygen.

The result of this research is that when an individual thinks about doing something later, it makes them happy in the moment which is the definition of procrastination itself.

Thanks for reading “The Times of Tomorrow.”

This is Jennifer Stone, signing off, later.

 

 

Cows expected to do Makeup to look different

The inspiration for this post came when I was watching Sapan Verma’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, online. He happened to mention the incident where, in Maharashtra’s Malegaon village the police made it mandatory for cows to have ID cards with their mugshot for easy investigation of cow slaughtering cases. Click here to get some context.

 

The Maharashtra Police has decided to have cows queue up in front of dilapidated buildings and get themselves registered under the “Beef Bachao Yojana.” One of the reporters from Times of Tomorrow went to ask the cows about how they felt about the scheme when one cow said, “Moo moo mooooooooo?!!!” The reporter probed the cow standing in front of her and he just ran away making a peace out sign with his hooves.

Dejected, the reporter committed suicide.

Later, however, a very dumb officer over thought the need for these ID cards, post using his brain after being in the service for 5 years. According to him, having photo ID’s for cows was not a very sensible idea.  After 2 months of research, he found out that all cows look the same and it is difficult to tell one from the other so the purpose of an ID card could not be established.

This officer then came up with another plan.

He requested all the women from in and around Malegaon to donate all their make-up to the police authorities. The police officer then used this makeup to give every cow his/her “individual niche look” with the help of some local beauticians. The mug shots were re-taken and life was easier for the beef banning government.

Years later, however, it was realised that they could have simply put number tags on the cows than wasting resources.

Since then universities and colleges across India, introduced a B.A. in Your brain and how Additionally, a case of sexism and anti-feminism was registered on all the residents of this village for staying in a place called, “MALEgaon.”

 

 

 

United Airlines refuses boarding rights to a girl wearing dangerous leggings

United Airlines refused entry to a 10 year old girl and two other individuals because they were spotted wearing spandex leggings. The 10 year old was allowed entry after she took out a dress from her bag and put it over her leggings. This was acceptable to the gate official sighting bad dressing sense as key to boarding rights. 

The leggings were deemed to be dangerous because of their close proximity to the skin. The official at the gate was concerned that the child and two chicks, whose age is unknown,  would have died from suffocation due to the “tight and harsh nature of the cloth.” The word chick has been used because you can’t call women, ‘girls’ anymore. Check this out.

 The official who denied them entry also believed that death from suffocation would be rather unfair , since the airline food would then lose it’s purpose. 

A new Boarding Rights Movement has started in America following this incident. This movement is led by a woman called Devina Shaw. Ms. Shaw was refused to enter a Lufthansa flight in 2008 since she was 3 hours late for her flight. Similar protests have been reported in other parts of America since then.

 In 2012, another american airline was in the news when they allowed  a man who was dressed like Santa Claus to board a fight to India. His identity card said he was in fact Santa Claus with a North Pole address.  He explained that he had some important deliveries to be made and he couldn’t take his sleigh because one of the reindeer’s was still hungover from last night. He “Ho, ho, ho-ed his way to the flight.”, remembered the gate official at the Los Angeles Airport.

This incident has boosted sales for companies that sell spandex products because “everyone wants to be a rebel.”, said the pissed off house fly who was sitting on the gate official’s forehead while the scenario took place. 

Further news is subject to more investigations by news channels who have nothing better to report.”

This post is inspired from the actual incident that took place on 26th March, 2017. Check out the story here.

 

How to be Successful: Part 2

Inspired by an article that I read recently, I decided to write something that should tell you the steps to be successful. This is part 2 of a post I have written previously. If you want to waste time, you can check it out here. Following what successful people do should certainly bring improvements in your life. Ms. Scholes, a random person walking on the street said, “You see, there is a fixed recipe, a procedure and a way to do it.” She had no clue what the topic was. People have written books on what successful people do in the mornings, during the weekends, while taking a dump, while showering and while sleeping. That must mean that there is some demand for knowing things like these, because at the end of the day, they do have a point.

I read a lot of crap on the internet, but every once in a while I find gold. The article I am referencing to is one of those. It was published by ‘Forges’ magazine in the recent past.  The following part is a step by step break down of the research published by them. I have put it in simple words, since it was too complex to decipher by the naked eye. However, I wore spectacles and magically, I was able to read it better. Weird. I am such a muggle in this magical world, thank god for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To get into the school, click here. Am I digressing?

Let’s go on ahead with some characteristics and habits of these cool sorted people now:

Find and pursue your passion: After an in-depth research into the topic, the magazine has come up with groundbreaking results. The new finding is that in order to be successful it is important that you give two fucks about what you do. They have found out a proportional relationship between success and passion. Scholars & scientists have come and gone after trying for centuries to crack the code behind consistent motivation. Now we know.

Plan Something Fun to do: The definition of fun is, “Enjoyment, amusement or light hearted pleasure.” The second result of the research points towards planning something ‘fun’ to do over the weekends to keep you motivated throughout the week. You see, humans have been grossly unaware of how to take a break and unwind. One of the researchers, Mr. Shaw said, “Till now most of us have been delusional and thought that boredom is surreal.” Please plan something ‘fun’ to do so that you can have fun. Also take what this giant leprechaun once said, “You need to drink something to get rid of thirst.”

Ultra-successful people are usually composed: Ultra successful people are composed by men like Pritam. Interested individuals please contact him.

Eat a healthy Breakfast: The key to being intelligent is eating fruits, vegetables & drinking disgusting green juices. I have been a fool, a mere FOOL to never realize this. After eating fat, carbohydrates and oily Indian food, I had no clue it was hampering my thinking. I was unaware that a healthy breakfast could absorb all the dumbness residing inside me. Something strange happened though, I met Rochelle, a 10 year old aspiring astronaut, who ate fruits and everything healthy before sending out her NASA application. NASA didn’t accept her, saying that they don’t take dogs as students, something I found to be really bizarre. Rochelle was inspired by what Laika had achieved.

They forge their own ways: The research says exactly this, “Their direction comes from within, from their own principles and values. They do what they believe to be the right thing, and they’re not swayed by the fact that somebody might not like it.” In other words, successful people have a GPS system installed inside themselves that helps to find their direction. No matter where they want to go, they very literally know which road to take.

I however, agree with the giant leprechaun who once said, “You know you are successful when you don’t read how to be successful articles anymore.”