“Selfie camera is the most important feature of a mobile phone”, say teenagers

Research has shown that the latest among the new age diseases is human beings obsession with themselves. Humans these days can be seen posing absurdly in front of their mobile phones and using their mouths to form what is being called a “duck face.”

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One of the many examples of the now trending, “duck face”.

Simultaneously, two alternative hypotheses have emerged to explain this behaviour: either some humans have an undeniable obsession with ducks or they just love looking at themselves because they don’t believe in the concept of mirrors.

Research is ongoing to know the root cause of this. Boyd Lutham, who is heading one of the research clusters became a part of this effort when he heard his child’s first meaningful sentence, which was, “Imma take a selfie.” Mr Lutham added, “I am shocked, scared and I really want to solve this problem. 95% of young adults spend 60% of their day going through their own photos or photographs of people they don’t really care about. The world needs more sensible people at the moment.”

Majority of such humans can be seen in shopping malls, usually in groups. A marauding teenager who was roaming in one of the city malls, “just ’cause”, said, “I want to belong, I want to be kewl, and I want to just be liberated. Taking a selfie gives me the freedom to express myself the way I want. It’s almost poetic.”

Genius inventors have built their businesses around it, such as the creators of Snapchat. An app which provides people with a platform to post multiple pictures of their faces with unrealistic filters and editing effects. With this, more teengaers are getting empowered. Josh, another one of the selfie enthusiasts, said that he identifies himself as a honey bee. When asked the reason he said that he looks really good in that particular Snapchat filter and would like to live the rest of his life as a bee. He shouted, “I was always a bee in a human beings body.” His parents are confused but they will support his decision because “everyone has the right the live the way we want.” Josh added, “I am going to start a movement where in humans who identify themselves as bees will come together to demand people’s respect and a space in society.”

Some advertisements and feature improvements in phones are based on human beings tendency to behave this way. It is not yet known if these developments are the cause or the effect of such human behaviour.

Case in point are the two advertisements by phone companies, Oppo and Vivo where an invention that is being called a “selfie camera” is being promoted by famous people who earn a lot of money.

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Crazy lady who bought this phone because it has the best selfie camera in the world. “The only feature I care about”, she said.

 

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‘I am passionate about trying out different filters that new age apps are coming up with,” – Delusional Bollywood guy.

 

Mostly, humans are seen taking multiple pictures of them because it increases the probability of a good photograph. The current tradition calls for the best of these pictures to be laced with filters and other effects that validate the people that they are truly beautiful. Sceptics, however, have argued that these people simply need to “get a life.”

Rest of the research results are yet to come in. Till then, we can try to build a useful conversation in this direction so that humanity does not lose it’s purpose.

 

 

Cows expected to do Makeup to look different

The inspiration for this post came when I was watching Sapan Verma’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, online. He happened to mention the incident where, in Maharashtra’s Malegaon village the police made it mandatory for cows to have ID cards with their mugshot for easy investigation of cow slaughtering cases. Click here to get some context.

 

The Maharashtra Police has decided to have cows queue up in front of dilapidated buildings and get themselves registered under the “Beef Bachao Yojana.” One of the reporters from Times of Tomorrow went to ask the cows about how they felt about the scheme when one cow said, “Moo moo mooooooooo?!!!” The reporter probed the cow standing in front of her and he just ran away making a peace out sign with his hooves.

Dejected, the reporter committed suicide.

Later, however, a very dumb officer over thought the need for these ID cards, post using his brain after being in the service for 5 years. According to him, having photo ID’s for cows was not a very sensible idea.  After 2 months of research, he found out that all cows look the same and it is difficult to tell one from the other so the purpose of an ID card could not be established.

This officer then came up with another plan.

He requested all the women from in and around Malegaon to donate all their make-up to the police authorities. The police officer then used this makeup to give every cow his/her “individual niche look” with the help of some local beauticians. The mug shots were re-taken and life was easier for the beef banning government.

Years later, however, it was realised that they could have simply put number tags on the cows than wasting resources.

Since then universities and colleges across India, introduced a B.A. in Your brain and how Additionally, a case of sexism and anti-feminism was registered on all the residents of this village for staying in a place called, “MALEgaon.”

 

 

 

United Airlines refuses boarding rights to a girl wearing dangerous leggings

United Airlines refused entry to a 10 year old girl and two other individuals because they were spotted wearing spandex leggings. The 10 year old was allowed entry after she took out a dress from her bag and put it over her leggings. This was acceptable to the gate official sighting bad dressing sense as key to boarding rights. 

The leggings were deemed to be dangerous because of their close proximity to the skin. The official at the gate was concerned that the child and two chicks, whose age is unknown,  would have died from suffocation due to the “tight and harsh nature of the cloth.” The word chick has been used because you can’t call women, ‘girls’ anymore. Check this out.

 The official who denied them entry also believed that death from suffocation would be rather unfair , since the airline food would then lose it’s purpose. 

A new Boarding Rights Movement has started in America following this incident. This movement is led by a woman called Devina Shaw. Ms. Shaw was refused to enter a Lufthansa flight in 2008 since she was 3 hours late for her flight. Similar protests have been reported in other parts of America since then.

 In 2012, another american airline was in the news when they allowed  a man who was dressed like Santa Claus to board a fight to India. His identity card said he was in fact Santa Claus with a North Pole address.  He explained that he had some important deliveries to be made and he couldn’t take his sleigh because one of the reindeer’s was still hungover from last night. He “Ho, ho, ho-ed his way to the flight.”, remembered the gate official at the Los Angeles Airport.

This incident has boosted sales for companies that sell spandex products because “everyone wants to be a rebel.”, said the pissed off house fly who was sitting on the gate official’s forehead while the scenario took place. 

Further news is subject to more investigations by news channels who have nothing better to report.”

This post is inspired from the actual incident that took place on 26th March, 2017. Check out the story here.

 

Man Itches himself to death

A man accidentally killed himself after he couldn’t stop itching his leg due to a mosquito infestation. He was vacationing in the coastal town of Kochi, eating his dinner at an outdoor cafe. He felt the urge to itch after a few minutes. When he looked down he saw a mosquito sipping some blood from his leg. He told the waiter to fetch a mosquito repellant coil and later realised how good for nothing they really are.

Being a stubborn creature, the mosquito couldn’t stop quenching his thirst and told his friend to get him some ice since he wanted to cool off. After itching some more, the man accidentally killed the mosquito after it got entangled in one of his leg hairs. Seeing this, other mosquitoes came to the site, sucking most of his blood. The man couldn’t stop itching for the next 20 years and died itching. His last words were, “I wish I had worn pantsssss!!”

This is a one of a kind case and the doctors declared him brought dead and couldn’t do much to save him since he was already dead.

 

How to travel?

How do we travel? Who discovered travelling? Who was the first person to come across travelling? Is travelling good for your health? If these questions have popped in your head, you are the smartest person your dog knows. If you don’t have a dog, do you even exist? Have the curiosities of your head loitered around google search pages wanting to know the answers?

If you yelled out a confident, ‘Yes’ to all these questions, then you are at the right place.

Anyway, let’s get to it. What is travelling? The google definition of travel is the following, “make a journey, typically of some length.” For instance, when you get up from your bed and go to the kitchen, it’s travelling. You may choose to walk, run or skate. The modes of transportation are varied.

But what if you want to venture beyond the realms of your home? It’s possible that going till your bedroom, bath and kitchen is just not enough travelling for you. This post will help you in solving those exact problems.

Below is a conclusive list, a recipe that will tell you how to travel, from deciding a place to everything else. Let’s begin the travelenture!

  1. Google the term, ‘wanderlust’ and let your inner pretensions come alive. Refer to your ‘bucket-list’ or just follow the latest travel trends from sources like Instagram. Another search term you may consider, “where are all the cool people travelling to?” After this, you just need basic shortlisting and you know where you are headed.
  2.  Second, search for ‘cool travel quotes’ that you will put below your Instagram pictures. This one is potent. A great man once said, “You haven’t truly travelled unless you have uploaded 786 pictures of your face being in Berlin, online.” Additionally, do not forget to buy a selfie stick. Click the link for more information.
  3. Search with terms like, “cheap hotels”, “cheap trips”, “cheap airline tickets”, and “how do I become the cheapest person on earth.” You will be sure to get the best deals from this one.
  4. Book the cheapest airfare tickets. Disclaimer: This might be the last time you’d be able to walk. You see, when the seat in front of you is fully reclined and you are unable to recline your own because of humanity, your legs have to make the sacrifice. Would you rather lose your legs or tell the person in front to de-recline? Former sounds good.
  5. After having sorted your flight and hotel reservations, the next step is to get ready for your very undeserved vacation. Grab your bags and dump all things unnecessary. When your luggage is 10 kg’s overweight, you know you need to add 10 kg’s more. You ask why? Because the logic inside your head is also away for a vacation.
  6. Now, seems like you’re almost good to go. Next step is to check in at the airport. There are two check-in’s, one at the airport and the other on Facebook.
  7. Now fly and reach your destination, enjoy, take in the fresh air, unless you’re travelling to Delhi. Take pictures, roam and just be your cartoon self.

 

P.S.- Do not forget to steal all those shampoo bottles, tiny soaps, bed sheets, bed covers, cushions, pillows, lamp shades, bulbs and bathroom fittings from the hotel.

A great leprechaun once said, “You haven’t truly travelled if you haven’t moved at all.” So, keep moving and only then you will truly know what it is to travel and how you like doing it. There is no recipe, this post was written to make you realise that.

How To Turn 21?!

Birhday’s are so weird. The hoopla around the day you were born on, something that happened with no effort from your side is not even funny. But I have to agree, you do feel a sense of achievement, because you’re so alive and you realise that you can do so much in life and also that you’re a piece of shit and so cheesy for writing the first part of this never ending sentence.

So talking about the hoopla again, there’s so much pressure to celebrate your birthday to the max every single year. Unless you’re 69 and just bored of living.

I turn 21 today and am already freaking out that I am now 2 years older than a teenager but still behave like one. (Wow complex sentence, grammarly would kill me right now.)

I decided yesterday night that I will turn 21 with a bang. Check out my plan below:

1. Over order food that you think tastes good, and also because it’s your birthday and your stomach needs rich food.

Reality is however different my fellow readers ( mom and my dog). The food you ordered was pathetic, and you dropped half of it on your laptop.

2. Make very positive resolutions about how you will change now and be more responsible.In other words, not really.

3. Check your face for wrinkles and hair for the grey. You know, because now you are older.

4. Realise that you’re actually 44.

5. Make a plan with friends. In other words, what you do when you meet them everytime, except it’s your birthday today and they’ll give you cadbury’s.

6. Expect expensive gifts and get disappointed when you get a 16 GB iPhone as a present. #firstworldproblems

7. Cry yourself to sleep because, because it’s your birthday and imma spend my money.

8. Check facebook till you’re swamped with “HBD’S” and “HBD dear :-).” If you’re not, your life is sad, REALLY sad.

9. Write a post because you’re a piece of shit.

I’ll stop writing because it’s my birthday and I have a party to attend. Wink wink.

The worst poem ever

My heart skips a beat,

Time pauses,

Panic takes over in the most disgusting way

My face looks like a potato,

I cannot scream enough in my head;

When my phone falls.

The pain is worse when it falls face first,

Without any screen guard, without any armours.

I freeze for split seconds,

Muster courage to pick it up,

And in Hindi movie slow motion style, look at the battered body.

I rush it to the nearest service centre,

Where it’s declared brought dead.

The repair person feels extremely apologetic,

But that doesn’t help,

Because in my hands is my constant companion,

Staring at me, with no light and no hope.

“How will I avoid awkward social situations?”

“Who will wake me up in the morning?”

I could only think of such questions.

But I have to be strong,

Since I see an old classmate coming my way,

And I have to avoid saying hello by pretending to be busy on my phone.

This was the last time my phone and I pulled this act off,

And it was surreal.