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In latest news, researchers have found out that procrastination is the root cause of satisfaction. Procrastination entails a false sense of satisfaction that ultimately leads to death by dissatisfaction and about 50% humans are affected by this disease. The researchers involved were Mr Bob I’ll do it tomorrow & Mr Bill I will make a to-do list. Both are graduates from the University of Home Schooling.

They took a sample of 50 people who wanted to change the field they were currently working in. One of the subjects from the sample, Ms Bloomsword said, “I want to be a writer someday and I have been working towards that for the last 90 years.” Miss Bloomsword died shortly after this very unnecessary question-answer round. This interview made her realise how the only words she had ever written were, “I will write the most words someday”,  in her journal. This further made her think about how delusional she had been all her life and collapsed owing to a cardiac arrest. Every member of the sample study expressed grief over Ms Bloomword’s sudden demise and said that they will pay their condolences to her family tomorrow.

All the sample subjects wanted to do something different with their lives but had been unable to do so because they were too satisfied for knowing anything else. Blinded by satisfaction, they thought they were doing enough with their lives. Some also thought that thinking about doing something the next day, makes them happy in the moment. They were ardent  supporters of the quote, “Live life a moment at a time.” The thought was so deeply ingrained in them, that they figured they were passionate about living.

This created an even deeper delusion in their heads, about how they were the greatest, for just breathing. Hence they romanticised every moment of their lives. Mr Tucker said that the favourite moment from his entire day was being able to take in the air and then release carbon dioxide. He jumped at the thought of this and died because he inhaled too much oxygen.

The result of this research is that when an individual thinks about doing something later, it makes them happy in the moment which is the definition of procrastination itself.

Thanks for reading “The Times of Tomorrow.”

This is Jennifer Stone, signing off, later.

 

 

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Lessons from a Cartoon’s Life

Bored Bob is a cartoon character I created when I was 6 minutes old.  After I was done with the mandatory post birth crying indicating I was alive, I signaled my mother to bring me a paper and started drawing Bob.  Bored Bob’s character spans the life of a face (he doesn’t have a body because I never got to that out of sheer lack of the urge to make it.)   Why it is important that Bob is a cartoon is because being a cartoon he is just observing the people around the world, he is not biased. Since he is not human, he offers the most neutral opinion on how human beings conduct themselves.

Why I drew Bob is a question I can’t answer, since I fail to find the answer even after an extensive google search.

All I know is that Bob was inspired out of boredom and the feeling of being unamused by almost everything in the world. Bob is pessimistic since he wants human beings to think about the downside of being in a certain situation. He expects you to think about the negatives before the positives. Having said that, Bob is a practical individual too, since through his pessimism he is constantly trying to improve. It’s efficient pessimism, in other words. Or is that called being a realist?  He wants you to not find a silver lining always. Bob feels that boredom can lead to great things. Take for instance, the case of a glass that is half filled with water, or empty. Compare this to the entire volume of water that the earth has inside it today. If we keep thinking that the glass is half full and are satisfied by that thought, we will never be able to look at the problem of there soon being a dearth in the water supply. Hence, Bob’s practicality is established.

If you are still not convinced, think about it, if you are always happy and moderately satisfied with your life, how will you be able to drive change? You will continue to be in a very comfortable bubble and keep doing the same things till you die. It is only when you feel bored that you think about other possibilities and other great things you can do with your life. Bob does not encourage pessimism to the extent that there is no coming back from it, he just urges you to think if you are amused or excited about anything, often enough to keep you going.

Bored Bob was very happy being in his mother’s womb, but now suddenly, he was out in this cruel world. A world in which people chase useless things. Someone is running after money, some people are running after getting themselves degrees to hang on their walls. Some our building resume’s so that they get a higher paying job which is equally un-interesting. Worse, some are just fulfilling their parent’s expectations because they are too chicken to follow their passion, which they don’t even know exists. They think it is okay to do drab work and have a few hobby’s on the side. Little do they know that maybe those hobbies could be what could fuel a brilliant life. So, finding a silver lining everywhere will lead you no where.

“If you expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed.” is  a quote by Sarah Dessen and it couldn’t be truer.

Bored Bob knew what kind of a world he had entered into. He always knew that he had to chase boredom, critique and comment on everything that the world was up to.

He was greeted with negativity as soon as he was born. Negativity related to his father not giving him enough attention because he was clicking selfies with him, negativity because his own mother was off to work after delivering him, skyping to console Bob. Bored Bob was lonely minutes after stepping into the world. As a mechanism to protect himself from the cruel world, he became a hard core pessimist and decided that nothing will make him happy, so it’s better to bring to light these negativities so that more people realise how dysfunctional they are. At least that way they know that things need to be changed. Boredom is a like a point of inflection between being average and being great.

When he was born, his parents were amused by the number of cares he could not give.  There has been one exception though, there was a time when Bored Bob chuckled for a duration of 30 hours. He just couldn’t get over how humans follow routines every day. They wake up at a certain time of the day and get ready to work and complain. Why do they get caught in these ruts, is not understandable. Imagine a world where there’s a majority of people doing what they love. There will be less depression, less worries and more peace.

But why is Bored Bob important at all? He is important because he stands for all those people who couldn’t care less about the world. Who couldn’t care less about what you ate for lunch, or how many babies you want when you grow up. Bored Bob and his followers, which are none at the moment, stand up for the right to be indifferent to all the non-sense humans have created.

Agreeing to what this giant leprechaun once said, ” If it were not for pessimists, optimists would be all the people in this world. “

Cows expected to do Makeup to look different

The inspiration for this post came when I was watching Sapan Verma’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, online. He happened to mention the incident where, in Maharashtra’s Malegaon village the police made it mandatory for cows to have ID cards with their mugshot for easy investigation of cow slaughtering cases. Click here to get some context.

 

The Maharashtra Police has decided to have cows queue up in front of dilapidated buildings and get themselves registered under the “Beef Bachao Yojana.” One of the reporters from Times of Tomorrow went to ask the cows about how they felt about the scheme when one cow said, “Moo moo mooooooooo?!!!” The reporter probed the cow standing in front of her and he just ran away making a peace out sign with his hooves.

Dejected, the reporter committed suicide.

Later, however, a very dumb officer over thought the need for these ID cards, post using his brain after being in the service for 5 years. According to him, having photo ID’s for cows was not a very sensible idea.  After 2 months of research, he found out that all cows look the same and it is difficult to tell one from the other so the purpose of an ID card could not be established.

This officer then came up with another plan.

He requested all the women from in and around Malegaon to donate all their make-up to the police authorities. The police officer then used this makeup to give every cow his/her “individual niche look” with the help of some local beauticians. The mug shots were re-taken and life was easier for the beef banning government.

Years later, however, it was realised that they could have simply put number tags on the cows than wasting resources.

Since then universities and colleges across India, introduced a B.A. in Your brain and how Additionally, a case of sexism and anti-feminism was registered on all the residents of this village for staying in a place called, “MALEgaon.”

 

 

 

“I am depressed”, says Feminism

A millennial feminist’s diary entry on 30th January 2017

 “I am an urban Indian woman, the third wave of the feminist movement is in full swing in India and world over. From what I see and hear, I guess that the movement is about sharing articles we read on social media and blaming societal codes and men for the hardships women have to go through. I am a 19-year-old feminist who is doing her best to take part in this wave of change. 
 
I often come across Buzzfeed articles like  “23 Times Feminists Shut Men up” and “17 more Times Women had the Perfect Comeback. I also read “The Sexism Row over Natural and Circular Flip Phone” and “9 Signs that a Girl you like has friend-zoned you permanently. So many people share such articles on a daily basis, so it’s easy to stumble upon them. In fact, not having read about feminism in school or anywhere else, these articles define for me, what it is to be a feminist today. Since I relate to all or parts of them, I share them and so do a thousand other youngsters like me. 
 
As a young girl, these articles that I read continue to shape my nascent and developing mind a lot.
 
I am taking part in the movement wherein hundreds of girls and maybe a few boys who think like me will share what they relate to on social media with captions that will convince the world that we know what we are talking about. Do you realize the kind of impact we are making? One post shared by each person reaches a hundred more people and so on so forth. There we have, a brigade of unaware, men and women, women and men.  
 
I feel good on days like International Women’s Day where I use discounts and get a plethora of services for free. It is just another day, but with less spending and a blinding acknowledgement of women’s existence. I read up online that International Women’s Day dates back to 1909 and was started to acknowledge the movement for women’s rights. It has now become a haven for profit making ventures. Girls and boys like me know little beyond that.
 
You see, I was brought up in an urban environment and I haven’t faced most of the issues that form the cornerstone of the feminist movement. Most of my discussions about the movement go something like this. “We should start questioning why we have long hair. Having long hair is very sexist.” “I agree with you, Sheetal, the longer the hair the more shampoo you have to use. These guys just want women to pay more. ” “I am going to hold a candlelight march against this ” “Yay Sheetal! So many people will relate. Go Feminism!”
 

Feminism’s journal entry on 30th January 2017

“I know a lot of you hate me and my existence. Although ‘popular’, I am mostly infamous. I am going to change my name to ‘Equalism’ for now because I saw a human rolling his eyes when he heard my name in a conversation. This hurts me deeply because I stand for the hopeful human reality called gender equality. But somehow I have managed to find haters.
 
There is a forum on Reddit where the members believe that it is men, not women who have been “socially disenfranchised.” So I sometimes wonder, am I encouraging hatred among the sexes?
 
Years of mind numbing marches against bras and boys have somehow left me misunderstood. I don’t hate men, I do not want people who follow me to nitpick and play the blame game. But alas, that is what is happening today. Right now, people are calling themselves ‘equalists’ just for knowing the definition of the word and also because they ‘believe’ in the idea. I am not asking every human to do field work, to hold marches, but I am asking humans to have a clearer picture of what they are fighting for.
 
What do you see as the goal of equalism? To have larger pockets for women in their clothes? Or would you prefer young girls, boys and the queer giving shape to a world where we advance as humans. To have more Elon Musks, Barack Obama’s, Indra Nooyi’s and George Orwell’s?
 
We can build spaceships and carry out an expedition of this mighty universe. Damn, in front of things like these, I feel trivial. The possibility of a world like this may sound Utopian, but unless we imagine something great, it won’t happen to us. We’ve got to be ambitious here.
 
Unaware girls and boys, men and women are using my name to protest and march against sexist tampons. Today, equalism is a perpetual circle where people whine about redundant things and the majority of the planet continues to agree to those things. They keep shouting, people keep agreeing, the cycle sees no end.
 
If I look to the left, I see women in rural areas of third world countries dropping out of school because they can’t afford sanitary pads. According to UNESCO, 1 in every 10 girls in Africa, drop out of school because they can’t afford it. Sanitary pads are a basic necessity without which women can feel uncomfortable and face problems due to poor hygiene. Young girls miss out on school during menstruation and some girls completely drop out after reaching puberty. While organisations like Zana Africa are making some serious dents, there are never enough helpers in this world.
 
When I look to the right, I find that around 47 million girls and boys in India drop out of school post the 10th standard. The reasons could be lack of motivation, difficulty in coping or family pressure to find work. Why am I telling you about boys when the debate is about, ‘feminism’? Because I am a logical being,  I believe that if an organisation wants more women to join school, they can use the same effort, same people and save so much time and resources by including everyone deprived of something potent. This also proves that I am not self-obsessed.
 
I have a distant cousin, called sexism, who I am not very fond of. She, like me, is also misunderstood. She appeared in a question posed by a reporter from the New York Times, Yamiche Alcindor. She asked Bernie Sanders if running against Hillary Clinton was sexist. This really upset sexism and I. Humans are so well read today and despite of this, they continue their moronic behavior. Oh I will call Yamiche a moron, because she has no excuse! She went to college and has been a journalist for quite some time to be behaving like she did.
 
Take another case of a journalist gone berserk, read the following example. In an article citing reasons for reservation of women’s seats in public transports, she says the following, “Why should I be a hapless victim of a perverted moron when a simple seat can bring me mental calmness and physical safety? I would better raise my voice for a ladies’ seat than fighting these morally-challenged eve-teasers found in every public transport.” Firstly, how is a seat going to make anyone calm and physically safe? I didn’t know that sitting forms an invisible and unbreakable layer around a person which the eve-teaser cannot get through.  Secondly, this journalist is so rude towards these eve teasers. Wait, WAIT before you rage and call me names. You see, most eve teasers are known to have been conditioned in a certain way. They think what they are doing is “fun” or shows that they are superior. But this lady here says that telling them what is right is less important.
 
If we follow her thought process, we should encourage young boys and girls to stay at home rather than do something about the thieves and kidnappers who pose a danger to them. She ends her article like this, “The topic of concern, and the final point I make, is that we, The Woman, would better claim a rightfully-reserved ladies’ seat than depending on the mercy of a decent man (are there any left, by the way?).”
 
To explain why I think the journalist’s approach is wrong, have a look at this YouTube video. I wouldn’t go on explaining my point, watch the video and see if you agree with what it’s trying to say at all.
 
Currently, it has become so easy to express. Let me show you some stats about this. In one minute on the internet, 40,000 Facebook posts, 278 thousand tweets and 72 hours of YouTube videos are generated and shared. If a cranky boy wants to crib about his boo boo, he can write a blog about how “my mom is a pain in my tiny butt.” Some people WILL read this and some will also relate to it. Doesn’t mean we HAVE to waste our energies on it.
 
Aah, I literally have to spoon feed you all.
 
I was planning to reach great heights, which I have now, but standing at this point I feel like jumping and putting an end to this. Please don’t make me. Just read more, spread the correct message, have more meaningful debates and include all humans in this struggle. “
Clearly, feminists and feminism are not on the same page.

United Airlines refuses boarding rights to a girl wearing dangerous leggings

United Airlines refused entry to a 10 year old girl and two other individuals because they were spotted wearing spandex leggings. The 10 year old was allowed entry after she took out a dress from her bag and put it over her leggings. This was acceptable to the gate official sighting bad dressing sense as key to boarding rights. 

The leggings were deemed to be dangerous because of their close proximity to the skin. The official at the gate was concerned that the child and two chicks, whose age is unknown,  would have died from suffocation due to the “tight and harsh nature of the cloth.” The word chick has been used because you can’t call women, ‘girls’ anymore. Check this out.

 The official who denied them entry also believed that death from suffocation would be rather unfair , since the airline food would then lose it’s purpose. 

A new Boarding Rights Movement has started in America following this incident. This movement is led by a woman called Devina Shaw. Ms. Shaw was refused to enter a Lufthansa flight in 2008 since she was 3 hours late for her flight. Similar protests have been reported in other parts of America since then.

 In 2012, another american airline was in the news when they allowed  a man who was dressed like Santa Claus to board a fight to India. His identity card said he was in fact Santa Claus with a North Pole address.  He explained that he had some important deliveries to be made and he couldn’t take his sleigh because one of the reindeer’s was still hungover from last night. He “Ho, ho, ho-ed his way to the flight.”, remembered the gate official at the Los Angeles Airport.

This incident has boosted sales for companies that sell spandex products because “everyone wants to be a rebel.”, said the pissed off house fly who was sitting on the gate official’s forehead while the scenario took place. 

Further news is subject to more investigations by news channels who have nothing better to report.”

This post is inspired from the actual incident that took place on 26th March, 2017. Check out the story here.

 

Man Itches himself to death

A man accidentally killed himself after he couldn’t stop itching his leg due to a mosquito infestation. He was vacationing in the coastal town of Kochi, eating his dinner at an outdoor cafe. He felt the urge to itch after a few minutes. When he looked down he saw a mosquito sipping some blood from his leg. He told the waiter to fetch a mosquito repellant coil and later realised how good for nothing they really are.

Being a stubborn creature, the mosquito couldn’t stop quenching his thirst and told his friend to get him some ice since he wanted to cool off. After itching some more, the man accidentally killed the mosquito after it got entangled in one of his leg hairs. Seeing this, other mosquitoes came to the site, sucking most of his blood. The man couldn’t stop itching for the next 20 years and died itching. His last words were, “I wish I had worn pantsssss!!”

This is a one of a kind case and the doctors declared him brought dead and couldn’t do much to save him since he was already dead.

 

How to be Successful: Part 2

Inspired by an article that I read recently, I decided to write something that should tell you the steps to be successful. This is part 2 of a post I have written previously. If you want to waste time, you can check it out here. Following what successful people do should certainly bring improvements in your life. Ms. Scholes, a random person walking on the street said, “You see, there is a fixed recipe, a procedure and a way to do it.” She had no clue what the topic was. People have written books on what successful people do in the mornings, during the weekends, while taking a dump, while showering and while sleeping. That must mean that there is some demand for knowing things like these, because at the end of the day, they do have a point.

I read a lot of crap on the internet, but every once in a while I find gold. The article I am referencing to is one of those. It was published by ‘Forges’ magazine in the recent past.  The following part is a step by step break down of the research published by them. I have put it in simple words, since it was too complex to decipher by the naked eye. However, I wore spectacles and magically, I was able to read it better. Weird. I am such a muggle in this magical world, thank god for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To get into the school, click here. Am I digressing?

Let’s go on ahead with some characteristics and habits of these cool sorted people now:

Find and pursue your passion: After an in-depth research into the topic, the magazine has come up with groundbreaking results. The new finding is that in order to be successful it is important that you give two fucks about what you do. They have found out a proportional relationship between success and passion. Scholars & scientists have come and gone after trying for centuries to crack the code behind consistent motivation. Now we know.

Plan Something Fun to do: The definition of fun is, “Enjoyment, amusement or light hearted pleasure.” The second result of the research points towards planning something ‘fun’ to do over the weekends to keep you motivated throughout the week. You see, humans have been grossly unaware of how to take a break and unwind. One of the researchers, Mr. Shaw said, “Till now most of us have been delusional and thought that boredom is surreal.” Please plan something ‘fun’ to do so that you can have fun. Also take what this giant leprechaun once said, “You need to drink something to get rid of thirst.”

Ultra-successful people are usually composed: Ultra successful people are composed by men like Pritam. Interested individuals please contact him.

Eat a healthy Breakfast: The key to being intelligent is eating fruits, vegetables & drinking disgusting green juices. I have been a fool, a mere FOOL to never realize this. After eating fat, carbohydrates and oily Indian food, I had no clue it was hampering my thinking. I was unaware that a healthy breakfast could absorb all the dumbness residing inside me. Something strange happened though, I met Rochelle, a 10 year old aspiring astronaut, who ate fruits and everything healthy before sending out her NASA application. NASA didn’t accept her, saying that they don’t take dogs as students, something I found to be really bizarre. Rochelle was inspired by what Laika had achieved.

They forge their own ways: The research says exactly this, “Their direction comes from within, from their own principles and values. They do what they believe to be the right thing, and they’re not swayed by the fact that somebody might not like it.” In other words, successful people have a GPS system installed inside themselves that helps to find their direction. No matter where they want to go, they very literally know which road to take.

I however, agree with the giant leprechaun who once said, “You know you are successful when you don’t read how to be successful articles anymore.”