Cows expected to do Makeup to look different

The inspiration for this post came when I was watching Sapan Verma’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, online. He happened to mention the incident where, in Maharashtra’s Malegaon village the police made it mandatory for cows to have ID cards with their mugshot for easy investigation of cow slaughtering cases. Click here to get some context.


The Maharashtra Police has decided to have cows queue up in front of dilapidated buildings and get themselves registered under the “Beef Bachao Yojana.” One of the reporters from Times of Tomorrow went to ask the cows about how they felt about the scheme when one cow said, “Moo moo mooooooooo?!!!” The reporter probed the cow standing in front of her and he just ran away making a peace out sign with his hooves.

Dejected, the reporter committed suicide.

Later, however, a very dumb officer over thought the need for these ID cards, post using his brain after being in the service for 5 years. According to him, having photo ID’s for cows was not a very sensible idea.  After 2 months of research, he found out that all cows look the same and it is difficult to tell one from the other so the purpose of an ID card could not be established.

This officer then came up with another plan.

He requested all the women from in and around Malegaon to donate all their make-up to the police authorities. The police officer then used this makeup to give every cow his/her “individual niche look” with the help of some local beauticians. The mug shots were re-taken and life was easier for the beef banning government.

Years later, however, it was realised that they could have simply put number tags on the cows than wasting resources.

Since then universities and colleges across India, introduced a B.A. in Your brain and how Additionally, a case of sexism and anti-feminism was registered on all the residents of this village for staying in a place called, “MALEgaon.”




“I am depressed”, says Feminism

A millennial feminist’s diary entry on 30th January 2017

 “I am an urban Indian woman, the third wave of the feminist movement is in full swing in India and world over. From what I see and hear, I guess that the movement is about sharing articles we read on social media and blaming societal codes and men for the hardships women have to go through. I am a 19-year-old feminist who is doing her best to take part in this wave of change. 
I often come across Buzzfeed articles like  “23 Times Feminists Shut Men up” and “17 more Times Women had the Perfect Comeback. I also read “The Sexism Row over Natural and Circular Flip Phone” and “9 Signs that a Girl you like has friend-zoned you permanently. So many people share such articles on a daily basis, so it’s easy to stumble upon them. In fact, not having read about feminism in school or anywhere else, these articles define for me, what it is to be a feminist today. Since I relate to all or parts of them, I share them and so do a thousand other youngsters like me. 
As a young girl, these articles that I read continue to shape my nascent and developing mind a lot.
I am taking part in the movement wherein hundreds of girls and maybe a few boys who think like me will share what they relate to on social media with captions that will convince the world that we know what we are talking about. Do you realize the kind of impact we are making? One post shared by each person reaches a hundred more people and so on so forth. There we have, a brigade of unaware, men and women, women and men.  
I feel good on days like International Women’s Day where I use discounts and get a plethora of services for free. It is just another day, but with less spending and a blinding acknowledgement of women’s existence. I read up online that International Women’s Day dates back to 1909 and was started to acknowledge the movement for women’s rights. It has now become a haven for profit making ventures. Girls and boys like me know little beyond that.
You see, I was brought up in an urban environment and I haven’t faced most of the issues that form the cornerstone of the feminist movement. Most of my discussions about the movement go something like this. “We should start questioning why we have long hair. Having long hair is very sexist.” “I agree with you, Sheetal, the longer the hair the more shampoo you have to use. These guys just want women to pay more. ” “I am going to hold a candlelight march against this ” “Yay Sheetal! So many people will relate. Go Feminism!”

Feminism’s journal entry on 30th January 2017

“I know a lot of you hate me and my existence. Although ‘popular’, I am mostly infamous. I am going to change my name to ‘Equalism’ for now because I saw a human rolling his eyes when he heard my name in a conversation. This hurts me deeply because I stand for the hopeful human reality called gender equality. But somehow I have managed to find haters.
There is a forum on Reddit where the members believe that it is men, not women who have been “socially disenfranchised.” So I sometimes wonder, am I encouraging hatred among the sexes?
Years of mind numbing marches against bras and boys have somehow left me misunderstood. I don’t hate men, I do not want people who follow me to nitpick and play the blame game. But alas, that is what is happening today. Right now, people are calling themselves ‘equalists’ just for knowing the definition of the word and also because they ‘believe’ in the idea. I am not asking every human to do field work, to hold marches, but I am asking humans to have a clearer picture of what they are fighting for.
What do you see as the goal of equalism? To have larger pockets for women in their clothes? Or would you prefer young girls, boys and the queer giving shape to a world where we advance as humans. To have more Elon Musks, Barack Obama’s, Indra Nooyi’s and George Orwell’s?
We can build spaceships and carry out an expedition of this mighty universe. Damn, in front of things like these, I feel trivial. The possibility of a world like this may sound Utopian, but unless we imagine something great, it won’t happen to us. We’ve got to be ambitious here.
Unaware girls and boys, men and women are using my name to protest and march against sexist tampons. Today, equalism is a perpetual circle where people whine about redundant things and the majority of the planet continues to agree to those things. They keep shouting, people keep agreeing, the cycle sees no end.
If I look to the left, I see women in rural areas of third world countries dropping out of school because they can’t afford sanitary pads. According to UNESCO, 1 in every 10 girls in Africa, drop out of school because they can’t afford it. Sanitary pads are a basic necessity without which women can feel uncomfortable and face problems due to poor hygiene. Young girls miss out on school during menstruation and some girls completely drop out after reaching puberty. While organisations like Zana Africa are making some serious dents, there are never enough helpers in this world.
When I look to the right, I find that around 47 million girls and boys in India drop out of school post the 10th standard. The reasons could be lack of motivation, difficulty in coping or family pressure to find work. Why am I telling you about boys when the debate is about, ‘feminism’? Because I am a logical being,  I believe that if an organisation wants more women to join school, they can use the same effort, same people and save so much time and resources by including everyone deprived of something potent. This also proves that I am not self-obsessed.
I have a distant cousin, called sexism, who I am not very fond of. She, like me, is also misunderstood. She appeared in a question posed by a reporter from the New York Times, Yamiche Alcindor. She asked Bernie Sanders if running against Hillary Clinton was sexist. This really upset sexism and I. Humans are so well read today and despite of this, they continue their moronic behavior. Oh I will call Yamiche a moron, because she has no excuse! She went to college and has been a journalist for quite some time to be behaving like she did.
Take another case of a journalist gone berserk, read the following example. In an article citing reasons for reservation of women’s seats in public transports, she says the following, “Why should I be a hapless victim of a perverted moron when a simple seat can bring me mental calmness and physical safety? I would better raise my voice for a ladies’ seat than fighting these morally-challenged eve-teasers found in every public transport.” Firstly, how is a seat going to make anyone calm and physically safe? I didn’t know that sitting forms an invisible and unbreakable layer around a person which the eve-teaser cannot get through.  Secondly, this journalist is so rude towards these eve teasers. Wait, WAIT before you rage and call me names. You see, most eve teasers are known to have been conditioned in a certain way. They think what they are doing is “fun” or shows that they are superior. But this lady here says that telling them what is right is less important.
If we follow her thought process, we should encourage young boys and girls to stay at home rather than do something about the thieves and kidnappers who pose a danger to them. She ends her article like this, “The topic of concern, and the final point I make, is that we, The Woman, would better claim a rightfully-reserved ladies’ seat than depending on the mercy of a decent man (are there any left, by the way?).”
To explain why I think the journalist’s approach is wrong, have a look at this YouTube video. I wouldn’t go on explaining my point, watch the video and see if you agree with what it’s trying to say at all.
Currently, it has become so easy to express. Let me show you some stats about this. In one minute on the internet, 40,000 Facebook posts, 278 thousand tweets and 72 hours of YouTube videos are generated and shared. If a cranky boy wants to crib about his boo boo, he can write a blog about how “my mom is a pain in my tiny butt.” Some people WILL read this and some will also relate to it. Doesn’t mean we HAVE to waste our energies on it.
Aah, I literally have to spoon feed you all.
I was planning to reach great heights, which I have now, but standing at this point I feel like jumping and putting an end to this. Please don’t make me. Just read more, spread the correct message, have more meaningful debates and include all humans in this struggle. “
Clearly, feminists and feminism are not on the same page.

United Airlines refuses boarding rights to a girl wearing dangerous leggings

United Airlines refused entry to a 10 year old girl and two other individuals because they were spotted wearing spandex leggings. The 10 year old was allowed entry after she took out a dress from her bag and put it over her leggings. This was acceptable to the gate official sighting bad dressing sense as key to boarding rights. 

The leggings were deemed to be dangerous because of their close proximity to the skin. The official at the gate was concerned that the child and two chicks, whose age is unknown,  would have died from suffocation due to the “tight and harsh nature of the cloth.” The word chick has been used because you can’t call women, ‘girls’ anymore. Check this out.

 The official who denied them entry also believed that death from suffocation would be rather unfair , since the airline food would then lose it’s purpose. 

A new Boarding Rights Movement has started in America following this incident. This movement is led by a woman called Devina Shaw. Ms. Shaw was refused to enter a Lufthansa flight in 2008 since she was 3 hours late for her flight. Similar protests have been reported in other parts of America since then.

 In 2012, another american airline was in the news when they allowed  a man who was dressed like Santa Claus to board a fight to India. His identity card said he was in fact Santa Claus with a North Pole address.  He explained that he had some important deliveries to be made and he couldn’t take his sleigh because one of the reindeer’s was still hungover from last night. He “Ho, ho, ho-ed his way to the flight.”, remembered the gate official at the Los Angeles Airport.

This incident has boosted sales for companies that sell spandex products because “everyone wants to be a rebel.”, said the pissed off house fly who was sitting on the gate official’s forehead while the scenario took place. 

Further news is subject to more investigations by news channels who have nothing better to report.”

This post is inspired from the actual incident that took place on 26th March, 2017. Check out the story here.


Man Itches himself to death

A man accidentally killed himself after he couldn’t stop itching his leg due to a mosquito infestation. He was vacationing in the coastal town of Kochi, eating his dinner at an outdoor cafe. He felt the urge to itch after a few minutes. When he looked down he saw a mosquito sipping some blood from his leg. He told the waiter to fetch a mosquito repellant coil and later realised how good for nothing they really are.

Being a stubborn creature, the mosquito couldn’t stop quenching his thirst and told his friend to get him some ice since he wanted to cool off. After itching some more, the man accidentally killed the mosquito after it got entangled in one of his leg hairs. Seeing this, other mosquitoes came to the site, sucking most of his blood. The man couldn’t stop itching for the next 20 years and died itching. His last words were, “I wish I had worn pantsssss!!”

This is a one of a kind case and the doctors declared him brought dead and couldn’t do much to save him since he was already dead.


How to be Successful: Part 2

Inspired by an article that I read recently, I decided to write something that should tell you the steps to be successful. This is part 2 of a post I have written previously. If you want to waste time, you can check it out here. Following what successful people do should certainly bring improvements in your life. Ms. Scholes, a random person walking on the street said, “You see, there is a fixed recipe, a procedure and a way to do it.” She had no clue what the topic was. People have written books on what successful people do in the mornings, during the weekends, while taking a dump, while showering and while sleeping. That must mean that there is some demand for knowing things like these, because at the end of the day, they do have a point.

I read a lot of crap on the internet, but every once in a while I find gold. The article I am referencing to is one of those. It was published by ‘Forges’ magazine in the recent past.  The following part is a step by step break down of the research published by them. I have put it in simple words, since it was too complex to decipher by the naked eye. However, I wore spectacles and magically, I was able to read it better. Weird. I am such a muggle in this magical world, thank god for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To get into the school, click here. Am I digressing?

Let’s go on ahead with some characteristics and habits of these cool sorted people now:

Find and pursue your passion: After an in-depth research into the topic, the magazine has come up with groundbreaking results. The new finding is that in order to be successful it is important that you give two fucks about what you do. They have found out a proportional relationship between success and passion. Scholars & scientists have come and gone after trying for centuries to crack the code behind consistent motivation. Now we know.

Plan Something Fun to do: The definition of fun is, “Enjoyment, amusement or light hearted pleasure.” The second result of the research points towards planning something ‘fun’ to do over the weekends to keep you motivated throughout the week. You see, humans have been grossly unaware of how to take a break and unwind. One of the researchers, Mr. Shaw said, “Till now most of us have been delusional and thought that boredom is surreal.” Please plan something ‘fun’ to do so that you can have fun. Also take what this giant leprechaun once said, “You need to drink something to get rid of thirst.”

Ultra-successful people are usually composed: Ultra successful people are composed by men like Pritam. Interested individuals please contact him.

Eat a healthy Breakfast: The key to being intelligent is eating fruits, vegetables & drinking disgusting green juices. I have been a fool, a mere FOOL to never realize this. After eating fat, carbohydrates and oily Indian food, I had no clue it was hampering my thinking. I was unaware that a healthy breakfast could absorb all the dumbness residing inside me. Something strange happened though, I met Rochelle, a 10 year old aspiring astronaut, who ate fruits and everything healthy before sending out her NASA application. NASA didn’t accept her, saying that they don’t take dogs as students, something I found to be really bizarre. Rochelle was inspired by what Laika had achieved.

They forge their own ways: The research says exactly this, “Their direction comes from within, from their own principles and values. They do what they believe to be the right thing, and they’re not swayed by the fact that somebody might not like it.” In other words, successful people have a GPS system installed inside themselves that helps to find their direction. No matter where they want to go, they very literally know which road to take.

I however, agree with the giant leprechaun who once said, “You know you are successful when you don’t read how to be successful articles anymore.”

A quiz to tell you how smart you are?!

Are you educated? If yes, take this quiz to know how smart you are. The questions are lifted from a sample of question papers made by schools for standards 6th-10th, or ‘grades’ 6th-10th, as they say in the soon to be, Separated States of Americannot. 

Here they are:
1) Define and explain the different types of bacteria present in school canteen food. Also write a paragraph long enough to fetch you 5 marks.                                   (2 marks)

2) Locate New Delhi and Tokyo on the map provided with the question paper. (Note that the capitals of important country’s excluding the ones in Africa, are already marked for your reference.) 

                                                          (20 marks)

3) Write A-Z in upper and lower case.

                                                          (26 marks) 

4) Fill in the blank: Tom went to the market yesterday and bought ________.

a) His mom’s brain

b) A better name for himself

c)A selfie stick 

d)His brain            

                                                      (23.65 Marks)

5) If 1+1 = 2, then what do you get by rotating the addition sign at an angle 90 degrees?    

                                                         (2+0 Marks)

6) Write 1-10 in upper and lower case. 

                                                            ( 0 Marks)

7) What is the opposite of a squirrel? 

a) A racoon 

b) A mouse AKA Stuart Little

c)A Ninja Turtle

                                                           (4 spiders)
If you answered them all, you get 100 points, if you were stuck on a few because of the difficulty level, practice more. Afterall, practice makes a man perfect. 

If you answered none, you are truly smart. 

“Clean Us, Assholes!” say pissed off Public Toilets

300 toilets are left abandoned every minute across the world. Most of them breathe their last under tragic situations inflicted on them by human beings. The majority of these toilets reside in India and other unimportant third world countries. The life of a public toilet is a tough life.

The following is an excerpt from the autobiography of a public toilet published years ago that was recently found in a sewage pipe after it clogged the eastern part of New Delhi.

“I am pretty happy, though, well mostly. I have learned to embrace solitude and I can’t complain. I get pampered sometimes, with nice antiseptic cleaners and other fancy toilet bowl cleaners. I feed on water and getting flushed with clear waters on either side is the elixir of my life. While I have had it pretty smooth up until now, I constantly get to hear about the woes of public toilets from my neighbours. So I decided to do something about it, to bring about some change. This is also because making change is considered ‘cool’ these days.

I took it to myself, with the help of a few other toilet bowls to document our lives. We contacted a few journalist friends and began our journey to the bottom of the earth. We started off with toilets in the villages, they were the saddest and suffering the most. One toilet, who hadn’t been visited in three decades, was on the verge of dying because there wasn’t any water in it.  “No one is documenting how we feel, all humans care about are living beings’ emotions and feelings.”, toilet 116 said. Just to clarify, us toilets don’t have names, since we are not that important.

My team and I drew out samples of what some of us went through. On careful examination of some samples, we found out that while some had whole pieces of corn and okra seeds, some had messed up consistencies. Toilet 567, a resident of Dhaka’s railway station said, “I am aware that it is my job to absorb your filth, but you have taken me for granted. For all those times you didn’t bother to clear the skid marks, for all those times you let it rot, I curse you.”A more furious subject, toilet 456 (name changed to protect the identity)  said, “We will pay back by overflowing and self-clogging.”

The only way to calm them down, dear users is to flush once you’re done. 89% toilets agreed that their worst days are when users have loose motions. “Sometimes, they are so loose, that even my friend, the humble bathroom tile has to face some of it.”, said 678, one of our research sponsors. We urge you to flush aggressively every time you are done. If you see remaining bits and pieces, do your bit even then.

Another concern is with toilets without ventilation and baseless construction. Toilet 547, who was in a terrible state when we got to meet her said, “I have been residing in a room with no windows. I thought human architects made sense, but I guess not.  And oh the stench?!  Can’t you guys eat right, ever?! How do you think we feel, looking at around 50 assholes a day, that give out weird surprises.” Toilet 547 had become delusional due to the isolation she was subjected to for all these years. She thought she was slowly transforming into a urinal.

I’d like to recount one of my own experiences. Once a house fly was exploring my structure, while a human came to do her business. The fly didn’t realise and before she knew it, she was buried in something yellow, it was very big. She breathed her last next to an undigested piece of carrot.

I also recall a story of a young man called Mateo, who had done what he had to and later realised that there was no running water or toilet paper in the vicinity. He breathed his last sitting on me, smoking his last cigarette. His last words were, “Why Mexican food, whyyyyyyy!” I have seen tragedies, I have seen sadness and I have seen death. I am too disturbed to go on, unless some sense of change is witnessed, which is what my research is about.

It’s high time, fellows, that you start giving a shit, not literally this time. Start caring about the containers of your filth, respect us for we are the bearers of your secrets, we are the bearers of ungodly things, almost satan like. I was left alone, so many nights to rot in the stench, so much so that the stench became a part of me. No one wanted to clean me, for my sins were bad. Too many people came, looked, screamed, yelled, some even became blind and left me there. Alone.

Our request from you people is to not take us for granted. Treat us with care, especially when you know it’s going to be bad. Respect us more, and please, please clean us before you go out confidently into the world, leaving your dirty secrets inside us.

I will keep doing my job till these pipes have it in them. You see, I don’t have much choice, I am bound by cement. I wish I was a human, who could take anything for granted. I wish I were a human who is the supreme animal, changing the world, one dump at a time.

Hoping that this research will spread the required awareness and do our community some good.

 Signing off, just one of the many toilets, number 891,789,201.”

Seems like the toilets did manage to take their revenge after all, the unclogging left 10 humans injured.

Watch this documentary to get some perspective.