“Selfie camera is the most important feature of a mobile phone”, say teenagers

Research has shown that the latest among the new age diseases is human beings obsession with themselves. Humans these days can be seen posing absurdly in front of their mobile phones and using their mouths to form what is being called a “duck face.”

selfie project 4

One of the many examples of the now trending, “duck face”.

Simultaneously, two alternative hypotheses have emerged to explain this behaviour: either some humans have an undeniable obsession with ducks or they just love looking at themselves because they don’t believe in the concept of mirrors.

Research is ongoing to know the root cause of this. Boyd Lutham, who is heading one of the research clusters became a part of this effort when he heard his child’s first meaningful sentence, which was, “Imma take a selfie.” Mr Lutham added, “I am shocked, scared and I really want to solve this problem. 95% of young adults spend 60% of their day going through their own photos or photographs of people they don’t really care about. The world needs more sensible people at the moment.”

Majority of such humans can be seen in shopping malls, usually in groups. A marauding teenager who was roaming in one of the city malls, “just ’cause”, said, “I want to belong, I want to be kewl, and I want to just be liberated. Taking a selfie gives me the freedom to express myself the way I want. It’s almost poetic.”

Genius inventors have built their businesses around it, such as the creators of Snapchat. An app which provides people with a platform to post multiple pictures of their faces with unrealistic filters and editing effects. With this, more teengaers are getting empowered. Josh, another one of the selfie enthusiasts, said that he identifies himself as a honey bee. When asked the reason he said that he looks really good in that particular Snapchat filter and would like to live the rest of his life as a bee. He shouted, “I was always a bee in a human beings body.” His parents are confused but they will support his decision because “everyone has the right the live the way we want.” Josh added, “I am going to start a movement where in humans who identify themselves as bees will come together to demand people’s respect and a space in society.”

Some advertisements and feature improvements in phones are based on human beings tendency to behave this way. It is not yet known if these developments are the cause or the effect of such human behaviour.

Case in point are the two advertisements by phone companies, Oppo and Vivo where an invention that is being called a “selfie camera” is being promoted by famous people who earn a lot of money.

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Crazy lady who bought this phone because it has the best selfie camera in the world. “The only feature I care about”, she said.

 

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‘I am passionate about trying out different filters that new age apps are coming up with,” – Delusional Bollywood guy.

 

Mostly, humans are seen taking multiple pictures of them because it increases the probability of a good photograph. The current tradition calls for the best of these pictures to be laced with filters and other effects that validate the people that they are truly beautiful. Sceptics, however, have argued that these people simply need to “get a life.”

Rest of the research results are yet to come in. Till then, we can try to build a useful conversation in this direction so that humanity does not lose it’s purpose.

 

 

Click this for more information

In latest news, researchers have found out that procrastination is the root cause of satisfaction. Procrastination entails a false sense of satisfaction that ultimately leads to death by dissatisfaction and about 50% humans are affected by this disease. The researchers involved were Mr Bob I’ll do it tomorrow & Mr Bill I will make a to-do list. Both are graduates from the University of Home Schooling.

They took a sample of 50 people who wanted to change the field they were currently working in. One of the subjects from the sample, Ms Bloomsword said, “I want to be a writer someday and I have been working towards that for the last 90 years.” Miss Bloomsword died shortly after this very unnecessary question-answer round. This interview made her realise how the only words she had ever written were, “I will write the most words someday”,  in her journal. This further made her think about how delusional she had been all her life and collapsed owing to a cardiac arrest. Every member of the sample study expressed grief over Ms Bloomword’s sudden demise and said that they will pay their condolences to her family tomorrow.

All the sample subjects wanted to do something different with their lives but had been unable to do so because they were too satisfied for knowing anything else. Blinded by satisfaction, they thought they were doing enough with their lives. Some also thought that thinking about doing something the next day, makes them happy in the moment. They were ardent  supporters of the quote, “Live life a moment at a time.” The thought was so deeply ingrained in them, that they figured they were passionate about living.

This created an even deeper delusion in their heads, about how they were the greatest, for just breathing. Hence they romanticised every moment of their lives. Mr Tucker said that the favourite moment from his entire day was being able to take in the air and then release carbon dioxide. He jumped at the thought of this and died because he inhaled too much oxygen.

The result of this research is that when an individual thinks about doing something later, it makes them happy in the moment which is the definition of procrastination itself.

Thanks for reading “The Times of Tomorrow.”

This is Jennifer Stone, signing off, later.

 

 

A quiz to tell you how smart you are?!

Are you educated? If yes, take this quiz to know how smart you are. The questions are lifted from a sample of question papers made by schools for standards 6th-10th, or ‘grades’ 6th-10th, as they say in the soon to be, Separated States of Americannot. 

Here they are:
1) Define and explain the different types of bacteria present in school canteen food. Also write a paragraph long enough to fetch you 5 marks.                                   (2 marks)

2) Locate New Delhi and Tokyo on the map provided with the question paper. (Note that the capitals of important country’s excluding the ones in Africa, are already marked for your reference.) 

                                                          (20 marks)

3) Write A-Z in upper and lower case.

                                                          (26 marks) 

4) Fill in the blank: Tom went to the market yesterday and bought ________.

a) His mom’s brain

b) A better name for himself

c)A selfie stick 

d)His brain            

                                                      (23.65 Marks)

5) If 1+1 = 2, then what do you get by rotating the addition sign at an angle 90 degrees?    

                                                         (2+0 Marks)

6) Write 1-10 in upper and lower case. 

                                                            ( 0 Marks)

7) What is the opposite of a squirrel? 

a) A racoon 

b) A mouse AKA Stuart Little

c)A Ninja Turtle

                                                           (4 spiders)
If you answered them all, you get 100 points, if you were stuck on a few because of the difficulty level, practice more. Afterall, practice makes a man perfect. 

If you answered none, you are truly smart. 

How to travel?

How do we travel? Who discovered travelling? Who was the first person to come across travelling? Is travelling good for your health? If these questions have popped in your head, you are the smartest person your dog knows. If you don’t have a dog, do you even exist? Have the curiosities of your head loitered around google search pages wanting to know the answers?

If you yelled out a confident, ‘Yes’ to all these questions, then you are at the right place.

Anyway, let’s get to it. What is travelling? The google definition of travel is the following, “make a journey, typically of some length.” For instance, when you get up from your bed and go to the kitchen, it’s travelling. You may choose to walk, run or skate. The modes of transportation are varied.

But what if you want to venture beyond the realms of your home? It’s possible that going till your bedroom, bath and kitchen is just not enough travelling for you. This post will help you in solving those exact problems.

Below is a conclusive list, a recipe that will tell you how to travel, from deciding a place to everything else. Let’s begin the travelenture!

  1. Google the term, ‘wanderlust’ and let your inner pretensions come alive. Refer to your ‘bucket-list’ or just follow the latest travel trends from sources like Instagram. Another search term you may consider, “where are all the cool people travelling to?” After this, you just need basic shortlisting and you know where you are headed.
  2.  Second, search for ‘cool travel quotes’ that you will put below your Instagram pictures. This one is potent. A great man once said, “You haven’t truly travelled unless you have uploaded 786 pictures of your face being in Berlin, online.” Additionally, do not forget to buy a selfie stick. Click the link for more information.
  3. Search with terms like, “cheap hotels”, “cheap trips”, “cheap airline tickets”, and “how do I become the cheapest person on earth.” You will be sure to get the best deals from this one.
  4. Book the cheapest airfare tickets. Disclaimer: This might be the last time you’d be able to walk. You see, when the seat in front of you is fully reclined and you are unable to recline your own because of humanity, your legs have to make the sacrifice. Would you rather lose your legs or tell the person in front to de-recline? Former sounds good.
  5. After having sorted your flight and hotel reservations, the next step is to get ready for your very undeserved vacation. Grab your bags and dump all things unnecessary. When your luggage is 10 kg’s overweight, you know you need to add 10 kg’s more. You ask why? Because the logic inside your head is also away for a vacation.
  6. Now, seems like you’re almost good to go. Next step is to check in at the airport. There are two check-in’s, one at the airport and the other on Facebook.
  7. Now fly and reach your destination, enjoy, take in the fresh air, unless you’re travelling to Delhi. Take pictures, roam and just be your cartoon self.

 

P.S.- Do not forget to steal all those shampoo bottles, tiny soaps, bed sheets, bed covers, cushions, pillows, lamp shades, bulbs and bathroom fittings from the hotel.

A great leprechaun once said, “You haven’t truly travelled if you haven’t moved at all.” So, keep moving and only then you will truly know what it is to travel and how you like doing it. There is no recipe, this post was written to make you realise that.

Thank you, dude

 

About 8 years back my family took a trip to Goa. The preparations had begun 2 months prior, including bi-weekly visits to the travel agent. We were investing our time, effort and money to meet the agent and get ripped off. Today, travel agents are on the verge of extinction. (-sobs-) Thanks to the messiah of technology, we have become smarter travellers.

I found myself taking 2 impromptu trips within the last 3 months. The spontaneity that comes with exploring different places these days is definitely made easier with the help of technological advancements.

I am feeling particularly grateful today, because I had a cup of  Brooke Bond’s ‘Taaza’ chai and it made me all positive about life. Their ‘taaza holey’ campaign is so on point and inspiring that I ordered 2 kilogrammes of it this morning, just to keep the inspiration going. If you don’t understand what I am referring to, check this link out. If you STILL don’t get where I am coming from, check this one too. I assure you inspiration.

If you think I am being biased to a brand, check THIS out.

Coming back to the point I am trying to make here: technology has influenced and changed the way we travel today. This change didn’t take place 20-30 years ago, but it has been happening gradually. More so, in the last 6 years. ( I am speaking like I am some travel expert, don’t mind the tone. )

These improvements happened everyday, but they have been so gradual and smooth that we may not realise and acknowledge their immense impact.  It is nearly impossible to travel without your phone today. The reasons for this could be many and I will try to list it in the order of events. That is, from you taking a mode of transport from your house to the airport and back.

Now let’s arrange and attend the wonderful marriage between travel and technology.

Below are some common scenarios a traveller might experience, made better by technology.

  1. Book a cab through an app: With the tap of your fingers and minimum wait, you have booked a cab for yourself. You don’t have to ask around for ways, you have all the time to sit on the back seat and do anything at all.  Additionally, because of the GPS (Global Positioning System) primarily invented by Roger L. Easton, we are confident to let ourselves get responsibly lost in new places.
  2.  Since you want to save paper, you show the screenshot at the counter and get in. There was a time when elaborate documents and were required to check in everywhere. We’ve come far from that.
  3. Because you have an Instagram account with as many as 20 followers, you take out your selfie stick invented by Wayne Fromm and start taking pictures inside the airport. Everyone is so eager to see that you are having fun, aren’t they?
  4. You take more pictures on the way, edit and filter them, make them pretty. By the end of your trip, you have a billion of them and store them in your hard disk that someone named Rey Johnson invented back in 1956.
  5. Some of you might understand the struggles of not knowing the native language of a place. Google translate and apps like Duo Lingo have come to our rescue.
  6. You can’t decide from among 3 books you want to read, keeping them in your already bloated luggage is not a great idea. There comes Kindle, simple.
  7. Power banks. I have seen way too many people panic because they forgot their power banks at home, especially if you’re one with a 2-year-old iPhone. Your battery will dip from 34-0 within seconds. #morepowertoyou

Acknowledge the inventors of paper soaps, paper shampoos, travel kits, airplanes, architects who designed some gorgeous airports for you, all those commercial coffee chains that serve you coffee and bad sandwiches at airports, bus stops and railway stations. I don’t think a lot of us can imagine travelling like we used to about 6-7 years back. It only makes sense to give credit to the thoughtful beings who made a lot of these advancements possible and be grateful to even the smallest bug fixes.

Surrounding yourself with so much technology might not be a good idea while unwinding, but there’s no denying the fact that life is indeed easier. Follow the principle of consuming moderation with moderation, and you are good to go.

How To Turn 21?!

Birhday’s are so weird. The hoopla around the day you were born on, something that happened with no effort from your side is not even funny. But I have to agree, you do feel a sense of achievement, because you’re so alive and you realise that you can do so much in life and also that you’re a piece of shit and so cheesy for writing the first part of this never ending sentence.

So talking about the hoopla again, there’s so much pressure to celebrate your birthday to the max every single year. Unless you’re 69 and just bored of living.

I turn 21 today and am already freaking out that I am now 2 years older than a teenager but still behave like one. (Wow complex sentence, grammarly would kill me right now.)

I decided yesterday night that I will turn 21 with a bang. Check out my plan below:

1. Over order food that you think tastes good, and also because it’s your birthday and your stomach needs rich food.

Reality is however different my fellow readers ( mom and my dog). The food you ordered was pathetic, and you dropped half of it on your laptop.

2. Make very positive resolutions about how you will change now and be more responsible.In other words, not really.

3. Check your face for wrinkles and hair for the grey. You know, because now you are older.

4. Realise that you’re actually 44.

5. Make a plan with friends. In other words, what you do when you meet them everytime, except it’s your birthday today and they’ll give you cadbury’s.

6. Expect expensive gifts and get disappointed when you get a 16 GB iPhone as a present. #firstworldproblems

7. Cry yourself to sleep because, because it’s your birthday and imma spend my money.

8. Check facebook till you’re swamped with “HBD’S” and “HBD dear :-).” If you’re not, your life is sad, REALLY sad.

9. Write a post because you’re a piece of shit.

I’ll stop writing because it’s my birthday and I have a party to attend. Wink wink.

What if

I believe most of us have thought about the two words, “what if?” at some point in our lives. These thoughts can be connected to anything, positive, negative or even depressing. Sometimes, “what if’s” can induce nostalgia, other times they can motivate us into doing great things.

So, here’s some food for thought, to make you smile, laugh and maybe even wonder.

  1. What if you were born an ant?
  2. What if you were in another country?
  3. What if you could stop reading this and invent a never ending jar of Nutella instead?
  4. What if you were born in another period in time?
  5. What if you were Arya Stark?
  6. What if Donald Trump is a genius who invented a hypnotic potion, released it U.S.A’s water supply and hence manipulated  America into voting for him?
  7.  What if technology ceased to exist?
  8.  What if all humans had the exact same features. (Logical people, pleae beware of this pointer.)
  9. What if you really are a piece of shit?
  10. What if the next time you wake up, your life would be like the last film you saw? And what if that film is “Aunty No. 1”, starring Govinda?

Whoof.