“Selfie camera is the most important feature of a mobile phone”, say teenagers

Research has shown that the latest among the new age diseases is human beings obsession with themselves. Humans these days can be seen posing absurdly in front of their mobile phones and using their mouths to form what is being called a “duck face.”

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One of the many examples of the now trending, “duck face”.

Simultaneously, two alternative hypotheses have emerged to explain this behaviour: either some humans have an undeniable obsession with ducks or they just love looking at themselves because they don’t believe in the concept of mirrors.

Research is ongoing to know the root cause of this. Boyd Lutham, who is heading one of the research clusters became a part of this effort when he heard his child’s first meaningful sentence, which was, “Imma take a selfie.” Mr Lutham added, “I am shocked, scared and I really want to solve this problem. 95% of young adults spend 60% of their day going through their own photos or photographs of people they don’t really care about. The world needs more sensible people at the moment.”

Majority of such humans can be seen in shopping malls, usually in groups. A marauding teenager who was roaming in one of the city malls, “just ’cause”, said, “I want to belong, I want to be kewl, and I want to just be liberated. Taking a selfie gives me the freedom to express myself the way I want. It’s almost poetic.”

Genius inventors have built their businesses around it, such as the creators of Snapchat. An app which provides people with a platform to post multiple pictures of their faces with unrealistic filters and editing effects. With this, more teengaers are getting empowered. Josh, another one of the selfie enthusiasts, said that he identifies himself as a honey bee. When asked the reason he said that he looks really good in that particular Snapchat filter and would like to live the rest of his life as a bee. He shouted, “I was always a bee in a human beings body.” His parents are confused but they will support his decision because “everyone has the right the live the way we want.” Josh added, “I am going to start a movement where in humans who identify themselves as bees will come together to demand people’s respect and a space in society.”

Some advertisements and feature improvements in phones are based on human beings tendency to behave this way. It is not yet known if these developments are the cause or the effect of such human behaviour.

Case in point are the two advertisements by phone companies, Oppo and Vivo where an invention that is being called a “selfie camera” is being promoted by famous people who earn a lot of money.

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Crazy lady who bought this phone because it has the best selfie camera in the world. “The only feature I care about”, she said.

 

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‘I am passionate about trying out different filters that new age apps are coming up with,” – Delusional Bollywood guy.

 

Mostly, humans are seen taking multiple pictures of them because it increases the probability of a good photograph. The current tradition calls for the best of these pictures to be laced with filters and other effects that validate the people that they are truly beautiful. Sceptics, however, have argued that these people simply need to “get a life.”

Rest of the research results are yet to come in. Till then, we can try to build a useful conversation in this direction so that humanity does not lose it’s purpose.

 

 

Cows expected to do Makeup to look different

The inspiration for this post came when I was watching Sapan Verma’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, online. He happened to mention the incident where, in Maharashtra’s Malegaon village the police made it mandatory for cows to have ID cards with their mugshot for easy investigation of cow slaughtering cases. Click here to get some context.

 

The Maharashtra Police has decided to have cows queue up in front of dilapidated buildings and get themselves registered under the “Beef Bachao Yojana.” One of the reporters from Times of Tomorrow went to ask the cows about how they felt about the scheme when one cow said, “Moo moo mooooooooo?!!!” The reporter probed the cow standing in front of her and he just ran away making a peace out sign with his hooves.

Dejected, the reporter committed suicide.

Later, however, a very dumb officer over thought the need for these ID cards, post using his brain after being in the service for 5 years. According to him, having photo ID’s for cows was not a very sensible idea.  After 2 months of research, he found out that all cows look the same and it is difficult to tell one from the other so the purpose of an ID card could not be established.

This officer then came up with another plan.

He requested all the women from in and around Malegaon to donate all their make-up to the police authorities. The police officer then used this makeup to give every cow his/her “individual niche look” with the help of some local beauticians. The mug shots were re-taken and life was easier for the beef banning government.

Years later, however, it was realised that they could have simply put number tags on the cows than wasting resources.

Since then universities and colleges across India, introduced a B.A. in Your brain and how Additionally, a case of sexism and anti-feminism was registered on all the residents of this village for staying in a place called, “MALEgaon.”

 

 

 

United Airlines refuses boarding rights to a girl wearing dangerous leggings

United Airlines refused entry to a 10 year old girl and two other individuals because they were spotted wearing spandex leggings. The 10 year old was allowed entry after she took out a dress from her bag and put it over her leggings. This was acceptable to the gate official sighting bad dressing sense as key to boarding rights. 

The leggings were deemed to be dangerous because of their close proximity to the skin. The official at the gate was concerned that the child and two chicks, whose age is unknown,  would have died from suffocation due to the “tight and harsh nature of the cloth.” The word chick has been used because you can’t call women, ‘girls’ anymore. Check this out.

 The official who denied them entry also believed that death from suffocation would be rather unfair , since the airline food would then lose it’s purpose. 

A new Boarding Rights Movement has started in America following this incident. This movement is led by a woman called Devina Shaw. Ms. Shaw was refused to enter a Lufthansa flight in 2008 since she was 3 hours late for her flight. Similar protests have been reported in other parts of America since then.

 In 2012, another american airline was in the news when they allowed  a man who was dressed like Santa Claus to board a fight to India. His identity card said he was in fact Santa Claus with a North Pole address.  He explained that he had some important deliveries to be made and he couldn’t take his sleigh because one of the reindeer’s was still hungover from last night. He “Ho, ho, ho-ed his way to the flight.”, remembered the gate official at the Los Angeles Airport.

This incident has boosted sales for companies that sell spandex products because “everyone wants to be a rebel.”, said the pissed off house fly who was sitting on the gate official’s forehead while the scenario took place. 

Further news is subject to more investigations by news channels who have nothing better to report.”

This post is inspired from the actual incident that took place on 26th March, 2017. Check out the story here.

 

Man Itches himself to death

A man accidentally killed himself after he couldn’t stop itching his leg due to a mosquito infestation. He was vacationing in the coastal town of Kochi, eating his dinner at an outdoor cafe. He felt the urge to itch after a few minutes. When he looked down he saw a mosquito sipping some blood from his leg. He told the waiter to fetch a mosquito repellant coil and later realised how good for nothing they really are.

Being a stubborn creature, the mosquito couldn’t stop quenching his thirst and told his friend to get him some ice since he wanted to cool off. After itching some more, the man accidentally killed the mosquito after it got entangled in one of his leg hairs. Seeing this, other mosquitoes came to the site, sucking most of his blood. The man couldn’t stop itching for the next 20 years and died itching. His last words were, “I wish I had worn pantsssss!!”

This is a one of a kind case and the doctors declared him brought dead and couldn’t do much to save him since he was already dead.

 

How to be Successful: Part 2

Inspired by an article that I read recently, I decided to write something that should tell you the steps to be successful. This is part 2 of a post I have written previously. If you want to waste time, you can check it out here. Following what successful people do should certainly bring improvements in your life. Ms. Scholes, a random person walking on the street said, “You see, there is a fixed recipe, a procedure and a way to do it.” She had no clue what the topic was. People have written books on what successful people do in the mornings, during the weekends, while taking a dump, while showering and while sleeping. That must mean that there is some demand for knowing things like these, because at the end of the day, they do have a point.

I read a lot of crap on the internet, but every once in a while I find gold. The article I am referencing to is one of those. It was published by ‘Forges’ magazine in the recent past.  The following part is a step by step break down of the research published by them. I have put it in simple words, since it was too complex to decipher by the naked eye. However, I wore spectacles and magically, I was able to read it better. Weird. I am such a muggle in this magical world, thank god for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To get into the school, click here. Am I digressing?

Let’s go on ahead with some characteristics and habits of these cool sorted people now:

Find and pursue your passion: After an in-depth research into the topic, the magazine has come up with groundbreaking results. The new finding is that in order to be successful it is important that you give two fucks about what you do. They have found out a proportional relationship between success and passion. Scholars & scientists have come and gone after trying for centuries to crack the code behind consistent motivation. Now we know.

Plan Something Fun to do: The definition of fun is, “Enjoyment, amusement or light hearted pleasure.” The second result of the research points towards planning something ‘fun’ to do over the weekends to keep you motivated throughout the week. You see, humans have been grossly unaware of how to take a break and unwind. One of the researchers, Mr. Shaw said, “Till now most of us have been delusional and thought that boredom is surreal.” Please plan something ‘fun’ to do so that you can have fun. Also take what this giant leprechaun once said, “You need to drink something to get rid of thirst.”

Ultra-successful people are usually composed: Ultra successful people are composed by men like Pritam. Interested individuals please contact him.

Eat a healthy Breakfast: The key to being intelligent is eating fruits, vegetables & drinking disgusting green juices. I have been a fool, a mere FOOL to never realize this. After eating fat, carbohydrates and oily Indian food, I had no clue it was hampering my thinking. I was unaware that a healthy breakfast could absorb all the dumbness residing inside me. Something strange happened though, I met Rochelle, a 10 year old aspiring astronaut, who ate fruits and everything healthy before sending out her NASA application. NASA didn’t accept her, saying that they don’t take dogs as students, something I found to be really bizarre. Rochelle was inspired by what Laika had achieved.

They forge their own ways: The research says exactly this, “Their direction comes from within, from their own principles and values. They do what they believe to be the right thing, and they’re not swayed by the fact that somebody might not like it.” In other words, successful people have a GPS system installed inside themselves that helps to find their direction. No matter where they want to go, they very literally know which road to take.

I however, agree with the giant leprechaun who once said, “You know you are successful when you don’t read how to be successful articles anymore.”

“Clean Us, Assholes!” say pissed off Public Toilets

300 toilets are left abandoned every minute across the world. Most of them breathe their last under tragic situations inflicted on them by human beings. The majority of these toilets reside in India and other unimportant third world countries. The life of a public toilet is a tough life.

The following is an excerpt from the autobiography of a public toilet published years ago that was recently found in a sewage pipe after it clogged the eastern part of New Delhi.

“I am pretty happy, though, well mostly. I have learned to embrace solitude and I can’t complain. I get pampered sometimes, with nice antiseptic cleaners and other fancy toilet bowl cleaners. I feed on water and getting flushed with clear waters on either side is the elixir of my life. While I have had it pretty smooth up until now, I constantly get to hear about the woes of public toilets from my neighbours. So I decided to do something about it, to bring about some change. This is also because making change is considered ‘cool’ these days.

I took it to myself, with the help of a few other toilet bowls to document our lives. We contacted a few journalist friends and began our journey to the bottom of the earth. We started off with toilets in the villages, they were the saddest and suffering the most. One toilet, who hadn’t been visited in three decades, was on the verge of dying because there wasn’t any water in it.  “No one is documenting how we feel, all humans care about are living beings’ emotions and feelings.”, toilet 116 said. Just to clarify, us toilets don’t have names, since we are not that important.

My team and I drew out samples of what some of us went through. On careful examination of some samples, we found out that while some had whole pieces of corn and okra seeds, some had messed up consistencies. Toilet 567, a resident of Dhaka’s railway station said, “I am aware that it is my job to absorb your filth, but you have taken me for granted. For all those times you didn’t bother to clear the skid marks, for all those times you let it rot, I curse you.”A more furious subject, toilet 456 (name changed to protect the identity)  said, “We will pay back by overflowing and self-clogging.”

The only way to calm them down, dear users is to flush once you’re done. 89% toilets agreed that their worst days are when users have loose motions. “Sometimes, they are so loose, that even my friend, the humble bathroom tile has to face some of it.”, said 678, one of our research sponsors. We urge you to flush aggressively every time you are done. If you see remaining bits and pieces, do your bit even then.

Another concern is with toilets without ventilation and baseless construction. Toilet 547, who was in a terrible state when we got to meet her said, “I have been residing in a room with no windows. I thought human architects made sense, but I guess not.  And oh the stench?!  Can’t you guys eat right, ever?! How do you think we feel, looking at around 50 assholes a day, that give out weird surprises.” Toilet 547 had become delusional due to the isolation she was subjected to for all these years. She thought she was slowly transforming into a urinal.

I’d like to recount one of my own experiences. Once a house fly was exploring my structure, while a human came to do her business. The fly didn’t realise and before she knew it, she was buried in something yellow, it was very big. She breathed her last next to an undigested piece of carrot.

I also recall a story of a young man called Mateo, who had done what he had to and later realised that there was no running water or toilet paper in the vicinity. He breathed his last sitting on me, smoking his last cigarette. His last words were, “Why Mexican food, whyyyyyyy!” I have seen tragedies, I have seen sadness and I have seen death. I am too disturbed to go on, unless some sense of change is witnessed, which is what my research is about.

It’s high time, fellows, that you start giving a shit, not literally this time. Start caring about the containers of your filth, respect us for we are the bearers of your secrets, we are the bearers of ungodly things, almost satan like. I was left alone, so many nights to rot in the stench, so much so that the stench became a part of me. No one wanted to clean me, for my sins were bad. Too many people came, looked, screamed, yelled, some even became blind and left me there. Alone.

Our request from you people is to not take us for granted. Treat us with care, especially when you know it’s going to be bad. Respect us more, and please, please clean us before you go out confidently into the world, leaving your dirty secrets inside us.

I will keep doing my job till these pipes have it in them. You see, I don’t have much choice, I am bound by cement. I wish I was a human, who could take anything for granted. I wish I were a human who is the supreme animal, changing the world, one dump at a time.

Hoping that this research will spread the required awareness and do our community some good.

 Signing off, just one of the many toilets, number 891,789,201.”

Seems like the toilets did manage to take their revenge after all, the unclogging left 10 humans injured.

Watch this documentary to get some perspective.

How to travel?

How do we travel? Who discovered travelling? Who was the first person to come across travelling? Is travelling good for your health? If these questions have popped in your head, you are the smartest person your dog knows. If you don’t have a dog, do you even exist? Have the curiosities of your head loitered around google search pages wanting to know the answers?

If you yelled out a confident, ‘Yes’ to all these questions, then you are at the right place.

Anyway, let’s get to it. What is travelling? The google definition of travel is the following, “make a journey, typically of some length.” For instance, when you get up from your bed and go to the kitchen, it’s travelling. You may choose to walk, run or skate. The modes of transportation are varied.

But what if you want to venture beyond the realms of your home? It’s possible that going till your bedroom, bath and kitchen is just not enough travelling for you. This post will help you in solving those exact problems.

Below is a conclusive list, a recipe that will tell you how to travel, from deciding a place to everything else. Let’s begin the travelenture!

  1. Google the term, ‘wanderlust’ and let your inner pretensions come alive. Refer to your ‘bucket-list’ or just follow the latest travel trends from sources like Instagram. Another search term you may consider, “where are all the cool people travelling to?” After this, you just need basic shortlisting and you know where you are headed.
  2.  Second, search for ‘cool travel quotes’ that you will put below your Instagram pictures. This one is potent. A great man once said, “You haven’t truly travelled unless you have uploaded 786 pictures of your face being in Berlin, online.” Additionally, do not forget to buy a selfie stick. Click the link for more information.
  3. Search with terms like, “cheap hotels”, “cheap trips”, “cheap airline tickets”, and “how do I become the cheapest person on earth.” You will be sure to get the best deals from this one.
  4. Book the cheapest airfare tickets. Disclaimer: This might be the last time you’d be able to walk. You see, when the seat in front of you is fully reclined and you are unable to recline your own because of humanity, your legs have to make the sacrifice. Would you rather lose your legs or tell the person in front to de-recline? Former sounds good.
  5. After having sorted your flight and hotel reservations, the next step is to get ready for your very undeserved vacation. Grab your bags and dump all things unnecessary. When your luggage is 10 kg’s overweight, you know you need to add 10 kg’s more. You ask why? Because the logic inside your head is also away for a vacation.
  6. Now, seems like you’re almost good to go. Next step is to check in at the airport. There are two check-in’s, one at the airport and the other on Facebook.
  7. Now fly and reach your destination, enjoy, take in the fresh air, unless you’re travelling to Delhi. Take pictures, roam and just be your cartoon self.

 

P.S.- Do not forget to steal all those shampoo bottles, tiny soaps, bed sheets, bed covers, cushions, pillows, lamp shades, bulbs and bathroom fittings from the hotel.

A great leprechaun once said, “You haven’t truly travelled if you haven’t moved at all.” So, keep moving and only then you will truly know what it is to travel and how you like doing it. There is no recipe, this post was written to make you realise that.